I’ve been taking my time on this one because frankly, I’m tired of writing funeral posts as updates.

I only just wrote about this, didn’t I?

In November I shared that our homes lost Mynor from the Alvarez family, then my niece Paola from the Chapin family.

I shared about all the tiny graves we’ve seen- about the beautifully painful joy for carrying children into the arms of Christ. God uses children with special needs to speak to our hearts in special ways. Their lives hold value and purpose.

It was a very hard post to write, but also very healing to remember what God taught me through each child we’ve lost.

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Shortly after writing that, we also lost Kevin from the Fulp family.

It felt like too much and came out of nowhere! It felt like a great tragedy.

Until I remembered.

I remember well the situation he came from. Alone on a dirt floor. Covered in urine and feces. Crying for hours without response or relief.

Then he was brought out. He went to the hospital, then came to our home.

And he was loved. So, so loved.

Kevin’s life was not a tragedy, but a beautiful story of hope and how God brings us out of pain and into love as we learn to trust. Kevin slowly learned what love looked like, and his short life ended filled with profound joy. He had deep relationships and genuine love and connections.

God does this for us as well. Out of darkness, into life– it’s the classic story of love.

I loved Kevin, and he reminded me to remember.

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So now I share about our 5th child’s funeral in the last year.

A few weeks ago we lost Manuelito. Baby Manuel was a surprising loss we were not prepared for.

Many of our kids are very sick or fragile. We watch a lot of kids lose abilities over time. The used to eat, and now they need a feeding tube. They used to laugh and smile a lot, but now they are more passive and smiles more rare. They get sicker more than they used to.

This was not the case with Manuelito.

We expected a future for him– learning to eat alone, crawl (or bumshuffle), and get into all the trouble with his sisters.

He was a jolly downs baby who came into our lives in the middle to so much grief.

God used this tiny baby to bring healing to many. At his funeral, person after person shared the impact his short months had, and the impact he made was vast.

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So we come to it. Another funeral.

Again explaining to the children that this brother is not coming back from the hospital.

Again holding friends as one by one we take turns breaking down.

Even more time grieving lives too short, and holes they left.

It’s heavy.

But then, Alison walks with Oli to the front and Oli signs to her sister that their baby is in heaven. Their baby is with Jesus.

And I remember child-like faith.

Then my friend who weeps in my arms shares how God used this baby to speak to her heart after incredible loss, and he was part of her healing journey.

And I remember healing will come.

Then the holes left by the loss of this little life shift into the places that are so full because his life- the grief at his loss shifts to the joy of his life.

And I remember my God is still good.

It’s not easy or ok.
Does it need to be?

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When you read the psalms, they are full of the heavy questions— the “Why have you abandoned me” level stuff!!

It usually starts with a solid dump of raw emotion without much hope, and often quite angry.
— How long will you forget me?
— How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul?
— Restore the light to my eyes or I will die!!

But then there is a turning point, a “YET”.
— Yet the Lord…
— But You see, you take note…

There comes a statement of simple trust- nothing impressive, nothing mighty.
— Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless
— But I will trust in your unfailing love

Then there is a powerful display of a God who sees; a comfort from the one who knows.
— The Lord is a shelter, a refuge in times of trouble
— Those who know you trust you

And then an ending of joy.
— I will sing because he is good
— You show me the way of life; bringing me the joy of your presence

Clearly this stuff will be wrestled through.
That wrestling is natural.
It’s ok.

And then we remember.

Our faith grows strong as we remember what God has already done.

A favorite verse shares that Abraham’s faith did not waver concerning the promise God made him even when…. In fact, his faith grew strong as he gave glory to God.

I want to remember just how far God has brought me.

Just like Kevin– we lost a boy we cherished, but his was not a sad story. His was a story of healing out of old hurt.

God held every line of his story, and Kevin’s was a story of leaving loneliness and entering profound love.

How great is that!

Kevin’s is a story of hope and joy.

So is mine.

So right now I don’t have enough words for Manuelito.

That’s ok.

Those will come too and I will remember.