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My heart is especially heavy, but also encouraged after this week marked with so much loss.

I received the call that my uncle, Dennis Tanner, had passed. This was a man who influenced the lives of many, and was a lifelong student. He lived a good and full life, and was blessed to face death on his terms surrounded by family and friends. This was a healing time for me, and I am grateful for it before what followed.

The day before his service, one of the Alvarez family’s children, Maynor, passed after a month back and forth from the hospital. In Guatemala, things move quite a bit quicker, so their services were held at about the same time. I would not possibly make it on time even if I left the moment I heard.

And Finally, not an hour after I made it home,
the Chapin family lost Paola, my niece.

At this point, we know what to do when a child passes. And that’s not something anyone should have experience enough to know.

We know who to call for the casket and flowers. We know to get word to our team to begin preparing the graveside. And we know the legal actions needed for a child in a home. We know it is our privilege and responsibility to clean and dress our child in the cloths we love for them.

Death is very near in Guatemala, and burial is very fast- same day to the following. Processing is very hands on. In some ways it’s very healthy to be a part of these things in a closer way, though hard at the same time.

We’ve done it too many times. And it is NEVER easy.

I’m not yet in a space to share much on this week, but I want to paint this scene while honoring some of our other kids we’ve loved and lots.

My first experience with a baby funeral was early during my time in Guatemala.

We received the call about a tiny baby boy with severe deformities who would not live long. He was found when another missionary visited the hospital, and reached out. The baby did not have a name as his very young parents surrendered him to the care of the hospital because of his extreme needs.

Micah was his name given in love by this missionary who would return to visit him often.

Micah was born severe cleft lip/cleft palate, and really was missing most of his face. He did not have the top of his skull, and he had hydrocephalus. Without the skull bone, this means the fluid would continue to accumulate in soft, lobes extending above his face. These felt like water fragile water balloons and essentially were.

When we received the call about Micah, it was known that IF he survived the 3 hour trip to us, it would certainly shorten his life. All involved felt this would be worth his being with a family who loved him for his final days.

We were sent a photo of Micah. I did not know it was possible to fall so deeply in love with a child just by one photo. We would talk about him in eager expectation in the days preceding his arrival, and selected with care his cloths and blankets.

Then, we heard that one of the fluid filled lobes above his head had ruptured.

We felt devastated at the likelihood that he could no longer come. Again, I did not know it was possible to grieve so deeply for a child I had never held.

In the end, he did come and we were elated! Micah was loved immensely– he was a treasure. His cry was the softest, sweetest cooing, and a few times, we got a precious laugh! Without a mouth to close, it was his eyes crinkling that marked his smile, and his soft, but pleasant cooing that noted his laugh.

Micah had a special foam support that he rested on because he was too fragile to simply hold in your arms.

It took two people to change him. One to hold and stabilize the fragile fluid filled lobes extending from his head with both heir hands, and the other to change him.

Micah only weighed 6.5 lbs, and I believe half of that was in his head.

We would feed him through a tiny NG tube, one syringe at a time.

Every moment with him was perfect.

We would almost fight for our turn with him! One at a time, we would sit in a solid chair, holding his foam cradle, and treasuring his tiny hands and beautifully deformed toes.

He really had the cutest baby feet!

Day and night, Micah was always with someone. If not in their arms, his foam cradle would set next to someone’s mat not he floor so their hands could hold his during the night.

We took our shifts and Micah was not left alone for longer than a spell or two of 20 minutes the entire time he was with us.

He was treasured.

One afternoon, while the other kids were in nap, Micah was out with us. We felt he was having a particularly hard time that day, and the lobes above his head had nearly doubled in size that week. We gathered together and had a time of worship, celebrating his tiny life and his time in ours.

Shortly after this, my hand resting on his chest felt his heart beat its last.

The next few hours were a blur of activity.

Dozens of one on one goodbyes, making all the necessary phone calls to the rest of the family and to social workers, doctors, casket makers, and flower shops. So many arrangements had to be made.

I’ll say again how healing it was to physically care for our Micah while preparing him.

And then there were the rest of the kids.

They had been in nap, but eventually we had to set Micah in his special crib in the living room, cover him with mosquito netting, and focus on caring for the other kids.

It was good and bad to be distracted with the other kids. The kids picked up on our tension however and some littles didn’t know how to handle their emotions. Helping them process at their level helped us process at our levels.

Micah passed late enough in the day that his funeral would be the following morning.

Although the entire community would show up in support if we hung the white cloth over the door, we adapted and held a mixed-culture funeral– We only invited friends and family who would have known him, or those caring for him while respecting the other local traditions.

After his service, we walked the short walk to the local cemetery where the town allowed us space to bury him. Traditionally, when a child dies, women carry the casket.

This was my first visit to a now very well known cemetery.

Initially we buried our children. But the town is small, and space on the mountain cemetery is precious. The town kindly asked us to instead build up creating crypts.

Nobody expected we would love quite so many children into the arms of the Father.

Joel shared he had never been part of soemthing like this before- God used Micah to stir something deep.

My brother, Stevie, shared that it was Micah’s life which God had used to convince him to remain in Guatemala permanently.

He transformed mine.

See, God uses children with special needs in a special way. He takes the dark and heavy paths and transforms them into depth of faith.

Micah’s live had love, meaning, and importance.

As did each of the children we’ve lost.

It is the privilege of a lifetime to carry a precious child into the arms of the father. I am not the best person to share about most of the kids, but let me share just a little.

Angelita

Angelita was the greatest for a snuggle. Early on her laugh was contagious and we would work hard to hear it. She was chunky and her spine curved just right that she was a perfect fit for hugging arms.

She and I had a special bond although she did not interact much. I held her for hours while studying for my bachelors online.

We lost her together, as a family before she would have to leave for the hospital where she would have been alone. I always remember sitting not he floor with her in the doorway- unable to give her up because then I would never pick her up alive again.

She was a little angel.

Rosalinda

With Rosalinda, malnutrition may have made her body tiny but attitude and sass made her personality huge! We still laugh at her diagnosis of “sever brain damage” when this child was one of the most intelligent we had seen!

I really connected with her… meaning if I accidentally made eye contact and did not pick her up, she would start screaming!

She didn’t have the strength to crawl, but she had more than enough determination to move, pulling herself an inch at a time across the house.

Spunky was her middle name! She was eventually returned to her bio family, who loved her deeply, and she passed some months later.

Maggy

Maggy broke Micah’s record of shortest stay.

Maggy was in the home less than 8 hours when she stopped breathing! Daryl got her breathing again and took her to the hospital since the ambulances didn’t answer the phone that day.

I fell in love with her on my turn overnight at the hospital with her. She was tiny and precious. She was discharged after a few days and came home on Christmas Eve. A few hours later, she stopped breathing again, but this time, despite fighting hard, we could not get her back.

That year, christmas morning started with burying a baby.

Truly, nothing could impart the pain and importance of God sending his son to die more than this. We celebrated the birth of a baby who would one day die while we actively grieved a baby he died to save.

Edy

Edy- Oh Edy! He was a missionary without ever speaking a word.

People knew his name and face across the world as he impacted life after life.

He had days of excruciating pain and spasms. Then he had days of etherial joy! His expressions were always so vivid; his happy face brought joy to the darkest day, his sad face brought tears, and his serious face just was too much!

Edy was with us a long time, and everyone could connect with him. Teams would share his story and how God used it to deeply impact them. Family often share how Edy’s life changed theirs.

This child with so much pain could still have so much joy.

I believe God used Edy to save lives.

Some I never got to meet

Esperanza and Thania I felt I knew because I was so starved for any updates on them.

I felt I knew them by reading how Esperanza’s tiny fingers would reach for each person in a unique way, and I was drawn to Thania when I learned that she could be hard to connect with.

The Alvarez family

The Alvarez’s little ones, Anali, Vickie, and Maynor, I knew only briefly.

Some were long night shift cuddles, or sad tube changes, or just passing meetings. But they were treasured by their family.

Anali was like a princess, doted on by all. Vickie in similar fashion was always dressed in the cutest outfits as her family loved on her. And Maynor’s illness took him from them to the hospital for many of his last days. I’m told he took comfort in being held during this time.

The Chapin Family

Finally the Chapin family also has loved and lost three daughters, although they came even before the name Chapin came!

Analia and Yasmin shared some time overlapping time and they had a similar medical outlooks. They rotated through the night with these girls so they would always have someone caring for them. Every once in a while I got a night with them as the ladies needed a respite.

I fall short of describing their personalities and spunk, or the love their ladies had for them.

When Paola came, her biofamily initially believed she would come back when she got better. The challenge is that special needs are not well understood here. Paola was pretty twisted form her CP, which impacted much of her health.

Stevie and Carissa now run this home- lead their family together so it was a privilege to love Paola as one of her Tias.

These children had meaning and were loved deeply by their families. Some of their bio families visited and loved them them, but they were all cherished by the families that because their final family.

Please know, my limited interactions and limited space here to describe their beautiful lives do not limit the impact they had in this world.